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A Collection of 'Transquips'by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Q. What is your name?
Q. Are you married?
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
Q. What happened then?
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Q. Are you sexually active?
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Subject: Being cross-examined
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