1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness,The New York Times, 1960

4. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

5. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

6. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

8. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry

9. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

10. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

11. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

12. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

13. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers-- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

14. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

15. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

16. 667: The Neighbor of the Beast

17. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

18. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

19. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

20. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

21. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

22. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp

23. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python

24. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin

25. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

26. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

27. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

28. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

29. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

30. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman

31. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

32. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

33. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

34. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

35. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

36. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

37. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

38. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac

39. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

40. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

41. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

42. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog