Thank you for calling the Starship Enterprise.
If you are sending a distress signal, press 1.
If you would like to be beamed up, press 2.
If you are an omnipotent god-being who is trying to take over the universe, press 3.
If you are a green-skinned alien female interested in seducing our captain, press 4.
If you have a rotary-dial communicator, please hold and wait for Lieutenant Uhura.